You are not alone anymore, don't ever think that you are
by marvel-maiden852
Summary: Antonio is the one person Matthew has always needed. Just some Spacan fluff I wrote in an RP.


**_Some Spacan fluff I wrote in an RP, thank you to the person I was RP-ing with by the way! _**

**_Warning: mention of self-harm_**

Antonio was deep in thought as he put books in his locker from his last class. School was over, and the Spaniard was planning on going home. He was lost with his thoughts and wasn't really paying attention to anything around him. He shut his locker and began to turn around when he accidentally bumped into someone. Antonio was completely knocked out of his train of thought. He looked up and saw an unfamiliar face, he had shoulder length blond hair, a pale complexion and violet eyes that were hidden behind silver glasses. He was tall, but perhaps about an inch or two shorter than the Spaniard.

"L-lo siento amigo" Antonio stuttered, placing his hand on the strangers shoulder. "whats you name? I don't think I have ever seen you before" he added.

"I-I'm Matthew...I have been going to this school for a few years now, you probably just haven't noticed me before" he said softly, adding a sigh at the end of his sentence.

"Oh..lo siento...I..I-uhm"

"-its okay, I'm used to it" he said, butting in. How could he not have noticed a boy as cute as Matthew before, he thought to himself.

"I'm Antonio! but you can call me Toni, well maybe we should get to know each other more then" the Spaniard suggested, being his usual, friendly self. Nobody had ever asked the Canadian to be friends until now, so he didn't entirely know how to respond.

"Are you busy now?" Antonio asked him. The Canadian mentally laughed at himself and his usual lack of plans, or requests to hang out.

"N-non..." the Canadian replied looking down, a slight blush of embarrassment dusting his cheeks.

"Fantástico! Would you like to come over to my house, me amigo?" he asked enthusiastically. The light pink on Matthews cheeks quickly changed to a darker shade of red, and he cursed himself as he felt his once pale face burn up.

"Eh...Oui...I-I'd love to" the Canadian replied in his usual quiet tone.

Antonio slung his backpack over his shoulder, and began to head, with Matthew beside him, toward the school exit. It was warm and sunny outside, just the type of weather the Spaniard loved.

"My house is only a few minutes away" Antonio said glancing into the Canadians eyes. A faint smile grazed Matthews face as they began walking towards Antonio's house. Antonio desperately searched his head for things to say, to spark up a conversation.

"D-do you like to read? the Spaniard asked, glancing into his eyes as he spoke to him.

"Oui...I do love to read" he said quietly It was strange for Antonio to mention such a thing as reading. He never told anybody how much he loved to read, afraid they would think it was weird, but it seemed Antonio was able to open up to the Canadian.

The two boys discussed their favorite books and authors all the way to Antonio's house, both of them cheerfully talking (well perhaps mostly the Spaniard talking, although Matthew did occasionally give his opinion) and laughing, as they soaked up the bright sun. When they arrived, they hopped up the steps on the front porch and Antonio unlocked the door.

Matthew bite his bottom lip as he was lead into the other boys house, nervous that this would end badly somehow.

"Uhm you wanna drink or food or something?" he asked leading Matt to the kitchen.

He thought it over and nodded."O-Oui some water i-if you don't mind..". Toni handed a bottle of water to Matthew and took one for himself. He headed up the stairs to his room with Matthew following.

Toni got comfortable on his bed and said to Matthew cheerfully "make yourself at home!". The blond nodded and looked around first before sitting down in one of the soft looking bean bags and when he went in more than he thought his cheeks once again turned the color of a tomato. Antonio wasn't particularly used to having quests over so he looked around his room for inspiration while nervously scratching the back of his head.

"Uhm...I have nothing planned...so we could read...or study...or just talk...or whatever you like" he said, smiling nervously. Matthew relaxed into the bean bag and thought it over and could see the other was nervous so he just smiled.

"I-Im good with what ever r-really..."He said and then sipped the water.

"We could read..." suggested the Spaniard. He pulled a book from his shelves and sat beside Matt, slightly brushing against him, and began reading. He blushed brightly at this and nodded as he looked down embarrassed but also didn't notice his sleeve move up showing some of his wrist which had the beginning of a cut on it. Toni was fixated on the book, reading aloud, when red marks on Matt's skin distracted him. He looked the Canadian in the eye as if he was asking through facial expressions "what happened". Matthew was happily listening to Antonio's voice until he heard him pause and was confused for a few seconds till it hit him. He paled and quickly pulled his sleeves over it and bit his bottom lip as he looked down.

"I-it's...N-Nothing..".

Toni saw what the marks looked like, he knew what they were.

" Matthew...please" he said, speaking gently. "W-why?, why would you do that do yourself?". Toni wanted to be careful and not scare Matthew away, he just wanted to know why. He held eye contact with the Canadian waiting for his reply. Matthew was tense and his eyes watered slightly as he looked back at the Spanish man and then looked down ashamed and didn't notice he was shaking.

"...I-I...i-it's complicated .."He whispered and shrank into himself. Toni didn't want to force him to say anymore right now, even though he wasn't going to drop it completely. He didn't know what to say so naturally he went for the best form of non-verbal comfort. He pulled Matt in for a hug, he was gentle of course because he was so afraid of hurting him where his scars were. Matthew bit his bottom lip and shrank into himself before he slowly hugged the other back. This time he couldn't stop his tears and he clung onto Antonio a little and he let a few tears fall. Toni held him close, he decided he wasn't going to start yelling a Matthew, asking him why and telling him to stop. Obviously it broke Toni's heart to know how much pain he was in, mentally and physically, but starting to get angry would not work.

"Please explain it to me...when your ready" said Toni,still holding him close and whispering in his ear. Matthew nodded a little as he kept crying into his chest and sobs shook through his shoulders.

After a few minutes off letting himself cry he kept his face hidden in the others shirt and relaxed slightly as he held onto him.

"...M-Merci..."He whispered and then looked up at him."..P-Please don't tell anyone..

" I won't say anything, I need you...i need you to talk to me, so...i can help you" said the Spaniard gently whispering into his ear. Toni hated playing the "I want to help you" card, but he was genuine, he did want to help. There was this small part of Toni that really enjoyed holding Matt close, but he tried to ignore that for the moment. The blond tensed up in the others arms at this and looked down, even though he did shiver a little when he felt warm breath on his ear and took in shaky breath.

'..I-I.."He went silent and looked down."...I-I don't know w-what to s-say really..". Toni didn't really want to force things out of Matthew, but he needed to find out why if he wanted to begin helping. "I-is..it family problems or a girl you like o-or something?" asked the Spaniard,still holding him close, and thinking of all the possibility's.

"...I-It started o-out a-as family p-problems...T-Then i-i just c-couldn't stop.."He whispered as he looked down ashamed and hide his face more. Toni could tell how ashamed he was, the Canadian would not even look into his eyes. The Spaniard kept one arm around him and with the other, he gently used his fingers to tilt Matt's head up, so he could see his poor red, swollen eyes and tear-stained skin. He held eye contact as he began to say:

"Amigo, I don't think any less of you knowing that you do this, I admire you for having the courage to carry on."

Matthew shrank into himself when he heard this and nodded slightly as some tears watered more and then smiled sadly.

"...M-Merci T-Toni..."He said softly and moved into him more and rested his head on the others shoulder."...I-I'm scared.."He whispered and relaxed into him more and bit his bottom lip.

"s-scared? Por qué amigo?" asked Toni, surprised by his statement.

"..I-I d-d-don't w-want to die..."He whispered and whimpered slightly."...B-But i-i can't stop.." Now it was Toni's turn for tears to spill out over his eyelids, faced with the sudden fear of loosing him. he held him a little tighter and said through teary eyes and an occasional voice crack.

"M-Matthew I'm never going to let that happen, amigo you are not alone anymore, and never think you that you are" Matthew nodded and clung onto the Spanish man and looked up at him shaking in the others arms.

"..I-I...M-Merci...'He said and then started saying it over in and over again, he couldn't help it. He was happy that someone was going to help him though this.

"Wh-when did you start it?" the brunette asked. He was trying to be subtle around this delicate subject, thinking this through a few times before asking. He had never been so happy to make friends with someone before, the thought of Matt being found one day, his lifeless body sprawled out on the floor, all alone with so much hidden emotional and physical trauma, his life wasted. That was unbearable, so Toni swore at that moment that he would do everything in his power to not let that ever happen. He was silent as he thought back, and shivered slightly at the memories of making that first cut after his brother and father started fighting, and then his Father took his anger out on him. After, he just wanted to feel better and started cutting shapes out of some colored paper and then accidentally cut him self. At first he thought nothing of it, but he noticed it made him feel better...so he kept doing it.

"...E-Eleven o-or twelve.."

Toni quietly gasped, he was shocked and horrified that it had being going on for so long without him knowing, he had so many questions to ask, but of course like he thought before, be gentle around delicate subjects.

"D-do they hurt?...t-the scars?" asked the Spaniard looking down at Matt's arms. He shifted a little and tugged on his sleeves.

"..S-Some times...b-but only i-if I'm showering a-and stuff like that.."He mumbled. Toni sighed. He could only imagine all the pain poor Matthew had gone through.

"S-so now, what makes you do it? I-is there some sort of trigger or something that makes you...uhm...you know?"

Matthew bite his bottom lip more."...W-When i-i just s-see a-a knife or something m-my arms start hurting, o-or even just thinking about it..". Toni's heart ached thinking of how Matthew must have felt since he had started them few years held him close like he was trying get rid of all those years of pain Matthew went through.

"Well I'm going to make sure you never have to do that to yourself again" the Spaniard said confidentiality. Matthew looked up at him,and was silent. Why would he want to help him so much?They never even talked before today and he was so willing to help him out. He bit his bottom lip making it bleed a little and looked down as he relaxed more.

"...O-Okay T-Toni..".

There was a moment of silence between them, it wasn't an awkward silence, more of silence that you are just happy to be together and there is no need for words. They both enjoyed this for a minute or two until Antonio broke it.

"You..uhm...your a lot different to the guys I know, its like...I'm not afraid to be myself around you...and...i really like that" Antonio said, looking down at the Canadian, still keeping his protective arm around him. Matthew felt his cheeks heating up hearing this and smiled as he looked down slightly embarrassed .

"...I-I'm g-glad.."He said softly and let his eyes close.

"D-do you want me to read again, or do you just want to talk?" Antonio asked, he had never enjoyed anyone else company as much as Matt's. Just sitting there, holding him, gave him this feeling, he had never really experienced before, but he enjoyed it. Matthew thought about it as he opened his eyes and looked up at him.

"..C-Can you read again?"He asked, already loving the sound of his voice the way he said the words it just flowed off the page and it came to life.

_"None of us should wander alone,you least of all. Frodo? I know you suffer, I see it day by day. Are you sure you do not suffer needlessly? There are other ways, Frodo, other paths we might take."_

Toni read, feeling Matthew's breath against his neck. Matthew listened to the story and nuzzled the others neck slightly as he got more comfortable. It felt like the book was talking to him in some way and it made his heart hurt a little.

_"Warning?Against what? We are all afraid, Frodo. But to let that fear drive us to destroy what hope we have... don't you see? "_

Toni moved his hand up gently to Matt's face, he wasn't entirely thinking through what he was doing. Matthews heart raced slightly when Toni's hand touched his cheek and he bit his bottom lip. Antonio didn't know what he was doing anymore, he just couldn't help himself. He gently leaned down and pressed him lips against the Canadians. Matt's eyes widened when he kissed him and was shocked into silence. He wasn't sure what to do at the moment . Sure he had been kissed before but, well it wasn't from a guy, though he had know for years he was gay, he just never got kissed from a guy. It was only when he actually felt Matt's lips against his, did he realize what he was actually doing. He pulled away quickly.

"Lo siento, I-I didn't mean to, I-I...you can leave if you want to...lo siento" hiding his face with his hands, he had only made friends with him, and now he had probably scared him away forever.

"...I-I..."he really couldn't think of anything to say, his heart was going to fast."...I-Its f-fine..i-i liked it.."Matthew whispered, embarrassed.

"You...y-your...gay?" Toni asked, he hated using that word,but didn't have any other way to phrase it. Inside, Toni was overjoyed that he hadn't made a huge mistake, and he let out a sigh relief. Matthew shrank into himself and panicked slightly, what if Antonio hated him now? Which was stupid since he was the one to kiss him but still, it was a fear he had for a while now and nodded.

"..O-Oui i-i am.."he said softly. Toni let out another sigh of relief, and a smile grazed his face.

"I-I thought i had made a huge mistake...t-that i had scared you away".

So, he didn't hate lips formed a shy smile.'...I-It would t-take more then that to scare me away..". Toni couldn't help but lean in for another kiss, he once again, wrapped his protective arms around Matt and held his lips against the Canadians. Matthews face went red and then slowly relaxed and kissed the other back, his heart racing in his chest as he did so. It felt so nice...and right. Toni pulled away gently but kept his arms around him. He leaned his forehead against Matt's and looked into his eyes. He noticed he cheeks were red and he slightly smirked. Matthew glanced into Toni's eyes but had to look away out of embarrassment. He couldn't stop blushing as his face went redder and redder under the others gaze.

"Why do you do that?...why do you look away?" asked Toni curious about why he couldn't keep eye contact. For Toni it had always been okay for him to look into people's eyes, especially those he loved, he wondered why it was difficult for some people.

"..I-Its embarrassing a-and I-I'm well n-not use to it."He said softly as he kept looking away for a while before he looked back at him and his face went redder then a maple leaf as he looked into his attractive eyes.

"Oh, well I'll wait around until you are used to it, because I love looking into your eyes" replied Toni keeping his face ever so close to Matthews. This was not helping the Canadian's blushing problem and he closed his eyes before looking down.

"..I-I ...w-why?".

"Have no one ever noticed how deep and full of emotion, your eyes are? They are so interesting to look into" Antonio said, a wide smile on his face. Matthews looked up into him as his face redder and his eyes where wide in surprise

"...R-Really?"

Toni giggled and replied "Sì, I'm serious". He used his arms to pull him closer, as he leaned in for a third kiss. This time Matthew happily kissed the other back, smiling into the kiss. Antonio pulled away, and smiled. He began to ask

"H-have you ever...uhm...been with a-another...guy?". Matthew went red again and shook his head as he looked down.

"...N-Non i-i well n-never been w-with anyone..'. The Spaniard was really surprised with this, he was a really cute boy, and anybody would be lucky to have him, and call him their lover.

"En serio? That is surprising!".

"..H-Huh?"He asked confused as he looked up at the taller male."..H-How is that?".

"W-well...uhm...your really c-cute.." said Antonio,sometimes he found is hard to express things like this out loud. "and you're a really great kisser"added the Spaniard, giggling. Matthew blinked and then looked down as he played with his sleeves nervously blushing.

'...Y-You a-are too T-Toni..".

Antonio smiled, and pulled him in for yet another kiss, he really couldn't help himself. Matt was an amazing kisser, and for some strange reason, he tasted like maple syrup, which Toni loved. He began using tongue this time and he tightened his grip on Matt. Matthew was surprised when he felt the others tongue and his knees felt a little weak and parted his lips more for the Spanish man,and held onto his shoulders as he let out a soft moan. Antonio tasted like tomatoes and chiros, making the young Canadian go slightly crazy. Toni slowly lost control, kissing him more passionately, beginning to pant. His arms moving up and down the Canadian's back, pulling him closer and closer. The Canadian was getting swepped away by the kiss and moaned slightly as he was pulled closer until he is basically on the others lap. Matthew pulled back from the kiss and breathed heavily, face flushed, as he looked at Antonio and blushed. Toni smiled, taking deep breaths.

"I told you that you are a good kisser!". Matthew blushed.

"Y-You are too."He said and smiled softly."..V-Very g-good..". Out of all the times Toni had kissed males and females, no one had made him feel like Matt did. Despite what you might think when looking at the shy Canadian, he was an amazing kisser.

"G-gracias" he said, still panting. He looked again into Matt's deep eyes and smiled. The Canadian returned his gaze into the others eyes and wondered if the he could hear his heart rate with it being so loud and then smiled as he curled up into him and held onto his shirt.

"...T-Toni? W-What time is it?'. Toni put his protective arms around him again. He glanced at his phone and said

"It's about half five, me tomate". The blond nodded and curled up into the brunette's warm chest and closed his eyes.

"..T-Tomato?".

"Oh, it's just...uhm...a nickname...you don't like it?" said Toni now slightly regretting saying it in the first place. Matthew shook his head and smiled.

"N-Non i do, its cute."

"Oh, I-I'm glad you like it..." Toni said smiling and he added "me tomate" as he chuckled. Matthew blushed at the Spaniards chuckle and nodded.

"Are you cold?" Toni asked.

"O-Oui a little.'Toni quickly jumped up and grabbed the blanket off his bed, he sat back down beside him, and wrapped it around them both.

"Better?" he asked, allowing Matt to lay back down against him. Matthew blushed more as he was wrapped into the warm blanket and nodded as he curled up into him and closes his eyes.

"..O-Oui much.."He said softly."..M-Merci Toni.'

Toni began to say "no hay problema" and he picked up the book and began to read again

_"There is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater."_

He paused and looked down at Matt curled up against him and smiled. Matthew smiled more as he listened to the others voice and relaxed into him more and his eyes were closed as he stayed curled up into Toni. Toni's curiosity began to eat away at him. He wanted to know more about Matt, he felt like he knew nothing about him at all.

"Me tomate, is it okay if we talk for a while?". Matthew blinked and bite his bottom lip as he thought it over.

"..O-Oui its fine.'He said softly and smiled up at him.

"Y-you don't mind me asking questions do you? It's just...I want to know more about you" he said glancing down at Matt. He shook his head and blushed more surprised he wanted to know more about _him._

"N-Non not at a-all..'.

"What would you like to do in the future?". Toni asked.

"..I-I would like t-to work with animals.."He said softly."..W-What about you?".

Toni smiled, "Well I really like playing the guitar, maybe compose songs or something". Matthew smiled more.

"R-Really? That's amazing..t-that y-you play g-guitar a-and stuff..'.

"I...I...uhm could play a bit...if you like?" Toni instantly regretted what he said, he got incredibly nervous and he began to shake. Matthew noticed this and bit his bottom lip.

"..O-Only if you want to though..".

"No-no its okay, I'll play a song" he grabbed the guitar from across the room and sat back down beside him. He began playing and singing the first thing he could think of which happened to be 'i wont give up' by Jason Mraz. Matthew smiled as he listened to the song as well as blushed. He was really good at singing, and smiled more as he watched him and hummed along a little, it was so nice...He finished and put the guitar behind him

"Uhm...i'm still leaning and stuff so I'm not great or anything" he said, finally his turn to blush a crimson red.

"..Y-Your amazing.."He said softly."...I-I mean your singing its the best i heard i-in a long time..". Toni could feel his face burning red as he scratched the back of his head nervously.

"Hah, thanks...I've never played in front of anyone before". Matthew blushed more as e looked up at Toni.

"...M-Merci, f-for playing for i-in front of me..". He smiled

"Está bien, I'm glad i didn't suck". Toni sat back down beside him and pulled the blanket around them rolled his eyes a little at this and happily cuddled back into the others warm body."F-Far from it..".A small smile grazed his face.

"So...uhm...when did you figure out you were...uhm...gay" Toni asked, again hating using that word. Matthew shrank into himself slightly.

"..W-Well...i-it was i-in grade five and everyone was playing spin the bottle..I-I had to kiss a boy and I w-well..liked it, but then when I had to kiss a girl well I almost throw up my cake.."he said embarrassed.

"Oh okay" he looked down at Matt and he looked slightly ashamed. "Its okay." Toni reassured him. he frowned seeing this.

"...T-Toni? Whats wrong?".

"N-nothing...I just...n-nothing " Toni held back tears that he didn't want to spill out over his eyelids right now.

"..P-Pleas don't cry.."He whispered and kissed his cheek softly.

"L-lo siento, lo siento" he whispered, quivering at Matt's touch. He sniffled and quickly rubbed his eyes, forcing a smile on for Matt.

"..Antonio..please tell me whats wrong?"He asked softly and bit his bottom lip.

"I-uhm..I was just thinking back to when I figured it out for myself. It was a few years ago now. There was a guy called Francis, he kept giving me weird looks in school, and I smiled back, to be polite. One day we were left alone in the gym locker room. He came over to me and talked to me, and I was replying just taking it as a normal conversation when suddenly he started kissing me...I had no idea what to do, I just stood there, but he began to use...uhm...t-tongue and I enjoyed it so much and he finished and I couldn't move. He told me he would see me tomorrow and he left. So I sat alone in the locker rooms and I began to think...did i just enjoy...a guy. I started thinking there was something wrong with me, I sat there crying for what must have been two or three hours until the guidance councilor found me. She told me that 'It doesn't matter who you date as long as you are happy' which made me think differently...it's just when I think back to that day...I...I get a little upset". Matthew was silent as he lessened to the others story and nodded as he rubbed his shoulder and bit his bottom lip.

"..I-Its fine Toni, I-I would get upset t-to .."He said softly and smiled up at him, glad he was able to trust him with telling him this and hugged him as tightly as he could with out hurting his arms. Toni smiled through tears, he planted a kiss on Matt's forehead as he hugged him back. He had never been so glad to have anyone in his life, he was also the only one he had ever told that story to. He began to kiss him on the lips again, it felt like his kisses had some sort of mental healing ability. Matthew blushed as he kissed his back and then shyly his arms wrapped his arms around Toni's neck and pulled him a little closer. Toni kept his arms around Matt's waist and started to slowly slide his tongue into the Canadian's mouth. Occasionally he would gently moan, like he said Matt was surprisingly the best kisser he had even been with so he couldn't help himself. Matthew blushed when he felt the other arms go around his waist and after a while of moaning at the feeling of Toni's tongue in his mouth, a feeling he found _very _nice, sadly he needed to breath and pulled back and tried to catch his breath.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

Matthew looked back into the others eyes this time and nodded."..O-Oui."

"You are very new to this huh?" asked Toni smiling.

"..I-Is it that obvious?"He asked blushing more and more.

"I-its okay...its kinda cute actually, its like I'm teaching you" he said, a smile progressed across his face as he finished his sentence. He smiled shyly at this and then rested his head on the others shoulder and smiled more.

"...I-I don't mind if I'm learning f-from you..".

"I wouldn't mind teaching you forever" Toni smiled, and once again he wrapped his protective arms around Matt, holding him close. He curled up into his warm chest and closed his eyes.

'..T-That would be nice..".

Toni couldn't help it, he dozed of for a few minutes, Matthew was surprised at first that he had actually fallen asleep. Even though he was cute when he slept. He would twitch slightly and mumbled tomatoes now and then or something else he couldn't really understand. He blushed when he saw the other wake up and looked down as he curled up into him and yawned. As Matt curled into him, Toni tightened his grip, being cautious of course of his poor arms. He gently planted a kiss on Matt's forehead

"S-sorry, I dosed off, are you okay?" he asked sleepily. Matthew blinked as he looked up at him and nodded making his curl bounce softly.

"O-Oui I'm okay...a-and its fine. I-I can go home if your tired Toni.".The truth was that Toni did not fall asleep easily, especially around people. So in fact it was only because Toni felt so happy and safe around Matt that he dosed off.

"N-no, I don't want you to leave, well you can leave if you want to...but I don't want you to" he said gazing down at Matt. He bit his bottom lip and nodded before smiling up at him,blushing more than a little.

"..W-Well i can ask my dad i-if i can s-sleep over..i-if you don't mind that is.".

"I'd like that...my parents told me they won't be home..so it's okay by me". The blond nodded,blushing as he used his cell phone to talk to his father. After he was able to convince him he looked up at Antonio and smiled.

"H-He said it was okay.".

"Good" said the Spaniard smiling."uhm do you need...uhm pajamas or anything?" Toni asked.

"..O-Oui umm d-do you mind?"He asked going redder, this was extremely embarrassing.

"I-it's no problem me tomate!" Toni said standing up, and walking over to a closet. He dug out a pajama top, and its matching bottoms. He handed them to him and began to say

"There is a bathroom down the hall if you wanna..eh..get changed". He nodded as he held the clothes close and looked up at him.

"..M-Merci Toni."He said softly and then kissed his cheek softly before he made his way to the bathroom and then quickly got changed.


End file.
